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#1 Sparky

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 05:52 AM

I was just curious if anyone is in love with somebody and would like to share their story.

I fell in love with a girl that I have known for years on a recent trip we went on together...and when I confessed it, she basically said she's not looking for a relationship right now.  And also that I don't get to use the "L" word because that's sacred and is reserved for 2-way streets only...and apparently it isn't mutual.  We are not romantically involved, and she says she doesn't have a boyfriend.

It's not the "can't stop thinking about you" kind of love, it's the "can't sleep, can't focus at work, physically ill, thinking irrationally" kind of love.  I've tried dating other people but It doesn't seem to distract me of her and it's tearing me up.  It's the most stressful thing I've ever had to deal with in my life so far, and I hope it's not turning into an obsession.

But yeah, if a couple people would like to share their story, I could probably write mine here.  Maybe it could help me figure things out.

#2 Symbiont

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 12:07 PM

Quote

It's not the "can't stop thinking about you" kind of love, it's the "can't sleep, can't focus at work, physically ill, thinking irrationally" kind of love.

you are in denial and kinda gave the hint away with:
Spoiler

either fix it by talking to her about it, get first base with her, romantically involved, yada yada. or when this thing is one sided, destroy every single item that reminds you of her and i mean everything. don't carry that excessive baggage to your next love interest.

doc love signing out.

#3 Coren

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 12:20 PM

Well, I met my girlfriend 3 years ago after moving back to Switzerland from the Netherlands. One week later my best friend hooks me up with his girlfriend's best friend. I was told she's blind, but I didn't care, finally someone who won't judge me for my height (I'm over 2 meters tall and blond). Wasn't love at first sight but it was... Intrigue at first sight.

One month later the love word was swapped and we've been together ever since. We live together with her guide dog and most things are good.

We game together sometimes, we play RPGs (pen and paper and pc gaming) FPS (I move and aim, and she shoots, jumps uses, weapon swaps etc...), we read, watch tv, walk etc... Much in common.

I love her and stay with her because my head initially said, yep she's special and I feel my heart wanting her. But I didn't let my heart do the talking, my brain decided.

In your case, if you feel you can never be with her but want her anyway, listen to your head, it's more right than your heart 95% of the time.

#4 raspberry jam

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 12:55 PM

Coren why would someone judge you for your height... Usually being tall is considered a positive trait...

View PostSparky, on 13 December 2012 - 05:52 AM, said:

I was just curious if anyone is in love with somebody and would like to share their story.

I fell in love with a girl that I have known for years on a recent trip we went on together...and when I confessed it, she basically said she's not looking for a relationship right now.  And also that I don't get to use the "L" word because that's sacred and is reserved for 2-way streets only...and apparently it isn't mutual.  We are not romantically involved, and she says she doesn't have a boyfriend.

It's not the "can't stop thinking about you" kind of love, it's the "can't sleep, can't focus at work, physically ill, thinking irrationally" kind of love.  I've tried dating other people but It doesn't seem to distract me of her and it's tearing me up.  It's the most stressful thing I've ever had to deal with in my life so far, and I hope it's not turning into an obsession.

But yeah, if a couple people would like to share their story, I could probably write mine here.  Maybe it could help me figure things out.
A tale of heartbreak repeated more times than you'd know. But the solution is always the same, and involves the careful manipulation of your own emotions by using mechanics that existed in our brains long before the human species became sentient. Get laid. Many times. That said, I'd like to hear more of your story.

My own story is more simple... I was on vacation in London, met her (it's a her, so am I, but I'm not fussed about specifics, it's more about the person) in Hyde Park. Talked for a while, set up a date, met her two days later and we noticed already then that there was something going on here. Everything moved smoothly since. I don't do the whole difficult love thing... If something isn't working, I'll move on, and though I might feel sad about it, I know it's for the best in the long run.

#5 Heart Collector

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 01:11 PM

Nobody's worth the pain you're putting yourself through Sparky, nobody's actually special unless you make them to out to be thus.

#6 Coren

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 01:36 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 12:55 PM, said:

Coren why would someone judge you for your height... Usually being tall is considered a positive trait...

A tale of heartbreak repeated more times than you'd know. But the solution is always the same, and involves the careful manipulation of your own emotions by using mechanics that existed in our brains long before the human species became sentient. Get laid. Many times. That said, I'd like to hear more of your story.

My own story is more simple... I was on vacation in London, met her (it's a her, so am I, but I'm not fussed about specifics, it's more about the person) in Hyde Park. Talked for a while, set up a date, met her two days later and we noticed already then that there was something going on here. Everything moved smoothly since. I don't do the whole difficult love thing... If something isn't working, I'll move on, and though I might feel sad about it, I know it's for the best in the long run.

I lived that way a long time after much heart ache, like sparky, and decided to just let it happen.

Most important, I learned, is if your brain thinks it's a good idea, then it has a much better chance of success than your heart. Your heart just talks crap, only listen to it if your brain agrees.

#7 astromarmot

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 01:45 PM

I dated my current wife for near-on 15 years and we lived together for most of 14 of them, we've gone through 2 years of a sea deployment, 2 coast-to-coast moves, a job that kept me gone for 3 weeks out of every month, to the one now that has me had home every single night for the last 4 years, we have our own full-time jobs, run a business together, and we have 2 kids aged 23 months, and 6 months...We finally got married last March...I've never been more in love...

View PostCoren, on 13 December 2012 - 01:36 PM, said:

I lived that way a long time after much heart ache, like sparky, and decided to just let it happen.

Most important, I learned, is if your brain thinks it's a good idea, then it has a much better chance of success than your heart. Your heart just talks crap, only listen to it if your brain agrees.

The heart, and those other "organs" will lie to get what it think it wants, not what it needs...

Edited by astromarmot, 13 December 2012 - 01:44 PM.


#8 raspberry jam

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 01:55 PM

View PostCoren, on 13 December 2012 - 01:36 PM, said:

Most important, I learned, is if your brain thinks it's a good idea, then it has a much better chance of success than your heart. Your heart just talks crap, only listen to it if your brain agrees.

View Postastromarmot, on 13 December 2012 - 01:45 PM, said:

The heart, and those other "organs" will lie to get what it think it wants, not what it needs...
While these things are true, let's not forget that the brain is an organ too, not a machine that just spins on independently from the rest of the body. It and responds to hormones and stuff just as much as the rest if not more. I'm totally serious on the getting laid a lot thing because it helps put things in perspective. It doesn't kill love, it refines it, and makes you able to think on where to aim it more clearly.

#9 astromarmot

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:01 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 01:55 PM, said:

While these things are true, let's not forget that the brain is an organ too, not a machine that just spins on independently from the rest of the body. It and responds to hormones and stuff just as much as the rest if not more. I'm totally serious on the getting laid a lot thing because it helps put things in perspective. It doesn't kill love, it refines it, and makes you able to think on where to aim it more clearly.

Sure, but long-term love still has to "make sense" beyond the flurry of butterflies and aching need of fresh romance...of course getting laid in and for the pure physical sense can do a lot to flush the confusing mix of emotion and chemicals that often confuse lust and love...

Edited by astromarmot, 13 December 2012 - 02:03 PM.


#10 BuddhaKeks

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:12 PM

View PostSparky, on 13 December 2012 - 05:52 AM, said:

I was just curious if anyone is in love with somebody and would like to share their story.

I fell in love with a girl that I have known for years on a recent trip we went on together...and when I confessed it, she basically said she's not looking for a relationship right now.  And also that I don't get to use the "L" word because that's sacred and is reserved for 2-way streets only...and apparently it isn't mutual.  We are not romantically involved, and she says she doesn't have a boyfriend.

It's not the "can't stop thinking about you" kind of love, it's the "can't sleep, can't focus at work, physically ill, thinking irrationally" kind of love.  I've tried dating other people but It doesn't seem to distract me of her and it's tearing me up.  It's the most stressful thing I've ever had to deal with in my life so far, and I hope it's not turning into an obsession.

But yeah, if a couple people would like to share their story, I could probably write mine here.  Maybe it could help me figure things out.

You my friend, have quite some guts. Being this open isn't easy, especially about such a sticky situation. I for one lack the courage to share my stories to everyone, but feel free to pm me, because I know exactly what you are going through.

#11 Coren

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:12 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 01:55 PM, said:


While these things are true, let's not forget that the brain is an organ too, not a machine that just spins on independently from the rest of the body. It and responds to hormones and stuff just as much as the rest if not more. I'm totally serious on the getting laid a lot thing because it helps put things in perspective. It doesn't kill love, it refines it, and makes you able to think on where to aim it more clearly.

That's why I strongly support "flings", it allows us to filter out desires from feelings. Allows you to see if the person you're with is.just a "thing" or more.

#12 CalmLittleBuddy

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:13 PM

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that's not love. That's infatuation. It happens. It goes away eventually when you find someone cool who's actually interested in you too.

LOVE is not like that. LOVE is doing the dishes when you're dead tired so that she won't have to see a nasty sink when she gets home from a long day at work.

LOVE is waking up a half hour earlier to go to Dunkin Donuts to get her a breakfast sandwich surprise just because.

LOVE is taking care of someone when their disgustingly sick (won't go into details).

Love is an interaction with another human being where you value that person enough to do what's best for them, even if it's not best for you.

Could you love someone who doesn't love you back? Of course. In your case, sounds like the best thing for her would be to give her a ton of space and only do what she asks you to do. Thinking about someone is not LOVE. Doing nice things for them (NON creeepy things) even when you don't feel like being nice to them, that's love.

#13 astromarmot

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:15 PM

View PostCalmLittleBuddy, on 13 December 2012 - 02:13 PM, said:

Doing nice things for them (NON creeepy things) even when you don't feel like being nice to them, that's love.

Then again, some gals are into creepy...just sayin'

#14 raspberry jam

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:19 PM

View Postastromarmot, on 13 December 2012 - 02:01 PM, said:

Sure, but long-term love still has to "make sense" beyond the flurry of butterflies and aching need of fresh romance...of course getting laid in and for the pure physical sense can do a lot to flush the confusing mix of emotion and chemicals that often confuse lust and love...
News flash, everything that goes on in your body is physical, including thoughts, and love is just another set of chemicals in your brain. That said, you're absolutely right, long term love needs to make sense.

View PostCoren, on 13 December 2012 - 02:12 PM, said:

That's why I strongly support "flings", it allows us to filter out desires from feelings. Allows you to see if the person you're with is.just a "thing" or more.
Eh... Flings sure. Infidelity, not at all what I meant...

View PostCalmLittleBuddy, on 13 December 2012 - 02:13 PM, said:

Thinking about someone is not LOVE. Doing nice things for them (NON creeepy things) even when you don't feel like being nice to them, that's love.
You would be surprised what the difference between creepy and non-creepy really is.

#15 Symbiont

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:28 PM

View PostCalmLittleBuddy, on 13 December 2012 - 02:13 PM, said:

that's not love. That's infatuation.

i infatuate you too.

#16 Illein

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:33 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 02:19 PM, said:

You would be surprised what the difference between creepy and non-creepy really is.

Whether you are or aren't into the person who does it - that's it.

#17 Beta Sprite

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:39 PM

Short story:
I had to have my heart broken a few times before I figured out what I was looking for, and I wouldn't have noticed my current wife of 4 years if I hadn't.

Longer story:
If you're not going to read this, at least read the first paragraph, and the second-to-last, as they might apply to your situation.

I was infatuated with one girl from 5nd through 8th grade.  I had known her since before 1st.  This was basically puppy love and, later, infatuation.  Being distracted and unable to think when she was around was fairly standard for me.  There was a 'break-up' moment when we were both at a dance, I asked her to dance, and she got angry at me and stormed off.

I took some time to get over it, and before the end of the school year, I met someone else that I had never met before.  We dated for the summer between 8th grade and freshman year, and then she broke up with me also.

Fast forward through another short relationship that ended normally (we were still friends afterwards), and then through one that lasted 1.5 years in high school (ending very badly, with her moving to college, followed by picking up drinking and cheating on me, and a break-up over e-mail on my birthday; she was a year older than me).

After that, I spent some time figuring things out for myself.  What I really wanted, who I really wanted to be, and whether I should let a relationship dictate my happiness.  I realized things about myself and my motivations that drastically changed how I saw my life, and that wouldn't have happened if my last relationship had gotten crushed.

Just before high school ended, my original crush (from 5th to 8th grade) approached me and wanted to go out with me.  I told her that I needed a week to sort some things out before I could accept, and she allowed it.  I realized that we didn't really have the things in common that I think we were both looking for.  While we weren't incompatible, if I accepted, we would be having a long-distance relationship in different states when we went to college,  So, I declined, telling her that while I wanted to date her, I didn't think that we should.  Thinking back on this, I wouldn't have done as many interesting things in college if I had always been looking forward to getting in touch with her each day, so I believe that it was the right choice.  At the time, though, she was angry with me for the rest of high school.

I met my wife in college (there's a long story here that I'm going to skip), and she and I dated for 3 years before we graduated and got married.  I suppose I should mention also that until I was married, there was no sexual activity of any kind in the relationships.  I believe that would have mucked up the relationships even more.

Edited by Beta Sprite, 13 December 2012 - 02:39 PM.


#18 astromarmot

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:41 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 02:19 PM, said:

News flash, everything that goes on in your body is physical, including thoughts, and love is just another set of chemicals in your brain.
That's a philosophical debate that's beyond the scope of this forum and requires way too much typing to do justice...

Quote

You would be surprised what the difference between creepy and non-creepy really is.

It's all perspective...

#19 Coren

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 02:47 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 02:19 PM, said:

News flash, everything that goes on in your body is physical, including thoughts, and love is just another set of chemicals in your brain. That said, you're absolutely right, long term love needs to make sense.

Eh... Flings sure. Infidelity, not at all what I meant...

You would be surprised what the difference between creepy and non-creepy really is.

Didn't say infidelity, I'm talking about not being tied.down. If you're in a relationship, then treat it as such. You being a general you obviously, not specifically you.

#20 raspberry jam

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:11 PM

View PostIllein, on 13 December 2012 - 02:33 PM, said:

Whether you are or aren't into the person who does it - that's it.
Exactly. Non-creepy things are creepy when the person receiving them don't like you. And vice versa.

View Postastromarmot, on 13 December 2012 - 02:41 PM, said:

That's a philosophical debate that's beyond the scope of this forum and requires way too much typing to do justice...
You know, it's not a philosophical debate at all, it's hard cold truth. Love is a set of chemicals and we can affect those chemicals in all kinds of ways through action.

View PostCoren, on 13 December 2012 - 02:47 PM, said:

Didn't say infidelity, I'm talking about not being tied.down. If you're in a relationship, then treat it as such. You being a general you obviously, not specifically you.
Ok, I misunderstood you. I definitely stand by our recommendations to Sparky then, to go get some and... oh, yeah, I forgot.
Sparky, stop thinking that you need to love someone to sleep with them. There is a connection there, but not the one you'd think.

#21 Illein

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:15 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 03:11 PM, said:

Exactly. Non-creepy things are creepy when the person receiving them don't like you. And vice versa.

Same reason pick-up lines will be lame in 90% of the cases - in those 10 % where there's actually chemistry/mutual attraction between two people, they suddenly become "cute" or "witty".

It's hilarious really.

#22 Amelia

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:15 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 03:11 PM, said:

Sparky, stop thinking that you need to love someone to sleep with them. There is a connection there, but not the one you'd think.

Some people don't need. They want.

#23 raspberry jam

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:17 PM

View PostBeta Sprite, on 13 December 2012 - 02:39 PM, said:

I had to have my heart broken a few times before I figured out what I was looking for, and I wouldn't have noticed my current wife of 4 years if I hadn't.

(...)

I met my wife in college (there's a long story here that I'm going to skip), and she and I dated for 3 years before we graduated and got married.  I suppose I should mention also that until I was married, there was no sexual activity of any kind in the relationships.  I believe that would have mucked up the relationships even more.
All that reading and then he skips the important part...

#24 astromarmot

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:20 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 03:11 PM, said:

You know, it's not a philosophical debate at all, it's hard cold truth. Love is a set of chemicals and we can affect those chemicals in all kinds of ways through action.

The fundamentals of consciousness, the foundation of self isn't nearly understood enough yet to make such a definitive statement, hence the debate, and the philosophical nature of any such discourse...just because you believe what you believe, doesn't make it any more so for me/us than what I/we believe make it so for you...

#25 raspberry jam

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:21 PM

View PostIllein, on 13 December 2012 - 03:15 PM, said:

Same reason pick-up lines will be lame in 90% of the cases - in those 10 % where there's actually chemistry/mutual attraction between two people, they suddenly become "cute" or "witty".

It's hilarious really.
In the case of pickup lines, it's 2% about the line (because some lines really are witty, not that that'll help in the end) and 98% about delivery. Just like stand up comedy.

View PostAmelia, on 13 December 2012 - 03:15 PM, said:

Some people don't need. They want.
No one really need anything. Want is the only thing they ever do. However, doing what he wants will keep him unhappy.

#26 Etta

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:22 PM

Ah the one that got away eh? We all have this at some point in our life. There's no quick fix, you just gonna have to get on with your life as hard as it may seem right now. Time won't heal you but it'll make you get use to the pain and then one fine morning you'll wake up and everything will be just fine. Like Cube said, "Life ain't nothin' but bi...(lovely ladies) and money.

PS: Leave her alone and don't turn into a stalker.

#27 astromarmot

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:23 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 03:21 PM, said:


No one really need anything. Want is the only thing they ever do. However, doing what he wants will keep him unhappy.

Maslow might disagree...

#28 raspberry jam

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:25 PM

View Postastromarmot, on 13 December 2012 - 03:20 PM, said:

The fundamentals of consciousness, the foundation of self isn't nearly understood enough yet to make such a definitive statement, hence the debate, and the philosophical nature of any such discourse...just because you believe what you believe, doesn't make it any more so for me/us than what I/we believe make it so for you...
Consciousness? You might be talking about consciousness, but I'm not. Your feelings and emotions are chemical states and tiny electric pulses inside your brain. Period.

View Postastromarmot, on 13 December 2012 - 03:23 PM, said:

Maslow might disagree...
Do you need air? Only if you want to survive. Do you need to survive? Or do you want to?

#29 Illein

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:27 PM

View Postraspberry jam, on 13 December 2012 - 03:21 PM, said:

In the case of pickup lines, it's 2% about the line (because some lines really are witty, not that that'll help in the end) and 98% about delivery. Just like stand up comedy.

I disagree. You can have the best line in the world, deliver it to perfection - if the girl/woman/boy/guy is just not liking how you conduct yourself/how you look - you'll be shit out of luck.

I'd give it a made up formula of: 80% appearance, 10% line, 10% delivery.

Shallow? Yeah, then again I doubt many of us out there on the prowl are looking for soul mates through pick-up lines, really. ;)

Edited by Illein, 13 December 2012 - 03:28 PM.


#30 raspberry jam

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 03:35 PM

View PostIllein, on 13 December 2012 - 03:27 PM, said:

I disagree. You can have the best line in the world, deliver it to perfection - if the girl/woman/boy/guy is just not liking how you conduct yourself/how you look - you'll be shit out of luck.

I'd give it a made up formula of: 80% appearance, 10% line, 10% delivery.

Shallow? Yeah, then again I doubt many of us out there on the prowl look for soul mates, really. ;)
Appearance - in the traditional sense - means nothing. When I say delivery, I mean conducting yourself in a manner congruent to who you are; the "just be yourself" advice is old as dirt, but it's true.
10% line is a gross overestimation. You can get someone interested even if your first line is reality pacing ("nice weather we're having today, isn't it?").





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