Jump to content

  • Curse Sites
Help
* - - - - 1 votes

A Rewrite. Because it Needs it. Yesterday


  • Please log in to reply
12 replies to this topic

#1 Calypso589

Calypso589

    Vanguard Scout

  • Members
  • 271 posts

Posted 11 August 2014 - 12:51 AM

We all know that Anet's writers are frikking awful and the common meme said is "I can do better."

Well I decided to literally do better by reworking a particularly painful piece of writing that I received in my mail today as I was finishing Dragon Reach part 1.

The photo shows the original letter. Below that is my rewrite, written to show more logic and less stupidity.

http://i.imgur.com/VA0U9Ln.jpg

"My friend, it appears that the Pale Tree has deemed it necessary that I attend the summit you are arranging to discuss Mordremoth and the ever quickening expansion of his corruption. I am eager to see what results a gathering of such influential and respected representatives of our world's diverse populace may bring, though I suppose in the end there can only be one acceptable outcome.

Though the Pact was formed of similar allegiances to face down Zhaitan, we are still only but a piece of the whole of Tyria. We are her sword and shield but not her mind, nor her body. Mordremoth demands Tyria's full attention. I am confident my presence at the summit will assist you in convincing everyone of this as I have little doubt they they'll want an update on how the Pact plans to move forward.

In doing so, I will stress the importance of a united offensive against this perversion of nature. If you'll please meet with me in the Grove prior to the summit, I shall brief you personally.

I look forward to our meeting.

-Trahearne"

Edited by Calypso589, 11 August 2014 - 12:53 AM.


#2 Alexei Hart

Alexei Hart

    Asuran Acolyte

  • Members
  • 96 posts
  • Location:New York
  • Profession:Mesmer
  • Guild Tag:[LONG]
  • Server:Henge of Denravi

Posted 11 August 2014 - 02:26 AM

Idk, I think the original fits with the pretentious superior royal shmuckness that Trahearne develops over the course of the PS. He's just a terribly-written character all around.

I like yours, but it attributes intelligence to him that he just doesn't have.

#3 Calypso589

Calypso589

    Vanguard Scout

  • Members
  • 271 posts

Posted 11 August 2014 - 06:17 AM

View PostAlexei Hart, on 11 August 2014 - 02:26 AM, said:

Idk, I think the original fits with the pretentious superior royal shmuckness that Trahearne develops over the course of the PS. He's just a terribly-written character all around.

I like yours, but it attributes intelligence to him that he just doesn't have.

Consider what I've written to be in the context of a game that doesn't have shat writers, then it won't seem out of place. lol

"With the added firepower, we won't lose as many as we did fighting Zhaitan."

What the hell Arenanet? lmao
How very encouraging coming from the leader of the pact -____- He knows how to inspire people and make them feel great.

Then there's that initial conversation with the Pale Tree where we pretty much establish that she's clueless and useless instead of mysterious and insightful as she should be.

Nope. She's an idiot. lol

Sorry..........I get so aggravated because it's so friggin easy to create smart, engaging dialogue and everything I read feels like it was written the day before the patch. No thought behind it at all.

#4 Cube

Cube

    Sylvari Specialist

  • Members
  • 562 posts
  • Location:A Web of Lies
  • Profession:Mesmer
  • Server:Ring of Fire

Posted 11 August 2014 - 09:46 AM

I like yours a lot more, it actually made like: Wow, I can't wait to talk to all these guys and see what happens. You know?

#5 Haggus

Haggus

    Asuran Acolyte

  • Members
  • 90 posts

Posted 11 August 2014 - 02:44 PM

When I'm on, now, I just do other things.  It's amazing how, in little dialogues around the map, I get more entertainment than in any of the soap opera level crap written for the LS/PS.  Hell, even the "two people facing each other" dialogues are something you'd see on General Hospital.  The best stuff in either was the Order of Whispers line with Tybalt.  At least that was entertaining.  

Yeah, your letter is much better.  It's written above a 5th grade level, however, so doesn't fit Trahearn's paint-chip-eating intellect.  Plus, it sounds like a decisive leader, also out of character with the organic douche.

#6 RandolfRa

RandolfRa

    Vanguard Scout

  • Members
  • 411 posts

Posted 14 August 2014 - 02:05 AM

I agree. Your version makes more sense and shows wisdom. Not that Trahearn had any of that, of course.

Edited by RandolfRa, 14 August 2014 - 02:19 AM.


#7 Calypso589

Calypso589

    Vanguard Scout

  • Members
  • 271 posts

Posted 14 August 2014 - 12:31 PM

I love that all the criticism so far has been "its too smart for him." Hahahaha

The annoying thing is I know they can do better.
For example did anybody stick around for the dialogue between Countess Anise and Canach at both the part in DR and the Grove?

That was GREAT stuff! Easily my favorite part of the update aside from the spectacular boss fights.

#8 I post stuff

I post stuff

    Vanguard Scout

  • Members
  • 253 posts

Posted 15 August 2014 - 11:40 AM

View PostCalypso589, on 11 August 2014 - 06:17 AM, said:

Spoiler

Next time you eat salad, ask it to write you a formal letter first (and create an army with an airship fleet).

#9 Calypso589

Calypso589

    Vanguard Scout

  • Members
  • 271 posts

Posted 15 August 2014 - 05:40 PM

View PostI post stuff, on 15 August 2014 - 11:40 AM, said:

Next time you eat salad, ask it to write you a formal letter first (and create an army with an airship fleet).

Not sure if a joke or sarcasm at my expense......lol

#10 ilr

ilr

    Golem Rider

  • Members
  • 2723 posts

Posted 15 August 2014 - 09:30 PM

We can't go making him even slightly likeable after what he did.

This ends in blood V8 juice

#11 Haggus

Haggus

    Asuran Acolyte

  • Members
  • 90 posts

Posted 16 August 2014 - 12:03 AM

I'll be a sylvari slave to Mordremoth, if it means taking out the cabbage patch kid.

#12 lazyharry

lazyharry

    Pale Tree Seedling

  • New Members
  • 4 posts

Posted 16 August 2014 - 06:49 AM

The funny thing is that nothing mentioned in the letter actually takes place...you barely get to speak to him beforehand, and the information he relays to you is pretty much nonexistent.

#13 Trei

Trei

    Golem Rider

  • Members
  • 2930 posts
  • Server:Jade Quarry

Posted 16 August 2014 - 06:54 AM

This won't end well...




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users